Grey Sunday

I read through my blogs just now... and i realised that i have been posting all my sad story... Luckily not many ppl know about my blog.. if not ppl might be thinking i am such a grey person... with nothing good in life besides feeling sad all the while... I try to think of something happy to write... but cant think of anything.. cos nothing really happy happen in my life lately...

Have been busy with my house... shopping around with my mum and my aunt... looking for curtains, furnitures and etc... every discussioons with my family is about the house... hoping that my house will be ready soon... and i am looking forward for my brother to be back... We used to fight a lot but i am missing him now... we are brother and sister after all... he is my only brother... who else can i miss if not him....

i feel so depreciating and my life sucks.... Mio has been telling me that i have to appreciate what i have and not feeling down all the time... If compare with a lot of other ppl... I am so lucky... I have loving family, driving nice car, running my dad's business.... etc... Human beings never get enough, never satisfied.... This is the fact! I dont have anyone to share my happiness or my sadness with me... No one to comfort me when i am stressed up at work... No one to go out with me when i am lonely... No one to drink with me when i feel like doing so... I feel so lonely... I lie on my bed alone once i get home... feeling empty and tired... the emptiness is killing me.... I just need someone to share my life with me... to go through the thick and thin in my life... who is this person? when is he going to come in my life?

I am sick of "your time has not come....!" "you deserve someone better.." 'you must be patience.." I have been really patience... I am 28 this year already... How long do i have to wait? What have i done in my past to deserve all these?

IF only I COuld...

I chose to post this blog in grey... cos i am feeling very grey... with no sunshine in my life... and its about to rain at anytime anywhere.... Life has been so miserable for me.... I have been so down down down... i am trying to think positively... to let him go... to let myself go and to move on with my cheerful life... but i couldnt.....

If only i could... i would choose not to meet you again...
If only i could... i would want to fast forward the time...
If only i could,, I would want to delete all memories i had with you...
If only i could... I wouldnt want to shed a tear for you....
If only i could... i would want to list out 10 things i hate about you....
But....I couldn't.....

Whats wrong with me? Cant you see that i am really into you? Can you just tell me whats the reason behind all these? Why do you have to bully me like that? What have i done wrong? It is the feeling that i have... you cant blame me? I wish i could stop the feeling... turn my head and walk away.... But i am such a looser, I cant do it..!!! I dunno why do i have such strong feelings for you... You have nothing to offer me... You are not educated at all.. You are not rich... you are just a hard labour who needs to work your ass off.... You think you are handsome? You have dark lips... messy hair... with no sense of dressings.... You smokes like a chimney... drink like Maniam!!! You cant afford even a Gucci bag for me..lets dont talk about LV.... But i dont care... I dont mind you being not educated cos you are keen in learning all the time.... i dont mind you working as a hard labour cos i know you are a hardworking person... I dont mind you having no sense of dressings... cos that could be change.... I dont mind you smoking like a chimney and drink like Maniam...cos i love doing that too.... I can afford Gucci or LV myself... i can let go of all these... what else do you expect me to do? WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?????!!!!!!!

I pray to God.... hoping that he will help me... Hoping that he will answer to my wish, to my prayer to my hope... But the GOD did not bother about me... HE let me suffer day and night... HE has been torturing me to get through this... I really dunno why and i really dunno what have i done wrong... I need an answer to my question.... I just couldnt understand why.....

Big Girls Dont Cry~~

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

Just So you kNOW!!

"Just So You Know"

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let her win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

-A song by Jesse McCartney-

I really love this song because he sings my heart out... And thats exactly how im feeling right now. I am trying very hard to let him go. But i couldn't. I decided to tell him off. And till today i didn't get any reply from him. After living for 28 years, thats was my 1st time being so frank and so straight forward towards a guy. He is supposed to appreciate my effort that i have put in and my feelings for him. I didn't know it is a sin to like a person. THis have been torturing me and i have been struggling! Everyone have been telling me that he is not right for me...!!! Kah Seng told me that....i deserve someone better.... 100 times better than him.... I told him LOVE IS BLIND!!! My cousin told me that he is not rich, not educated and he is a drunkard!!!! He can never support me!!! He has a good heart, he is caring, hardworking, good looking and he is patience..... Thats enough for me!!! Now i hardly keep in touch with him.... I dunno what to say to him... it is so awkward to face him now...!!!

No Direction

I have not been doing much lately. Its like 6:47 pm now... ask myself what have in been doiing today? Have i make full use of my day? The answer is NO... I have been living with no direction in life. I have dreams but none of them being achived. Sometimes i feel myself is such a looser. I never dare to make the 1st move. Not in achieving someone i like and not in a new business plan that i have planned for life. I cant lose.. I am afraid of facing failures. I dont know what am i supposed to do in life. I have been telilng myself... Life is short.. go ahead and do what you want and go ahead and achieve what you have dreamt of. But i cant. I have no confidence with myself and i have no motivation. I need some inspiration...!!!!!!

After attendig my good friend's wedding... I really envy her and really admire her... wishing that i will have the luck like her. Marrying someone who she loves so much... he is not only rich, smart and good looking... he is also caring and loving.... what a perfect man..!!! A perfect man like him is not existing anymore... Even if there is, they are either being taken or they are gay... Hahahah!!! how sad!!! I went through some profiles on Friendster... and i realised that i am such a choosy fussy asshole. I cant find anyone who is interesting. Once i look at their face.... i dont even bother to look at their profiles anymore... I tell myself...appearance doesnt matter... so the next thing i look into is their hometown.... those from ulu ulu place.... i decided..."NEXT"...!!! then i look into their occupation... and mostly "NEXT" !!!!! so in the end i cant find anyone interesting...!!!! I am such an asshole rite?

Sigh...!!! I still cant get over him...

Miss YOu alL!

I miss all my friends so much. Really dont know when can we meet up again and do all the things that we did together. I wish i could turn back time. They are the only person who i really enjoy being together. I can just be myself when i am with them. We understand each other so much. We are just so comfortable with each other. Too Bad! We are all apart from each other. Some got married, some working hard and earning hard, some with their own family to care of. I always laugh at Rico saying that he never grow up and still living in the past.. Haha! actually I realise that I am becoming more and more like him. I just miss those days. We can cry on each other shoulders. We are like brothers and sisters. Never feel lonely cos there are always someone there for you. Sigh... Those were the days...!!!

Beep-less!

My phone didnt Beep! at all today! I didnt receive any sms or any calls...! I give myself a deadline... If he is not initiating any sms or call today... THis will be it!! It will be the end of my hope! I will give up all hope and i wil lnot wait anymore.. LIFE is SHORT! Dont waste time! What say you?!

My cousin asked me to confess my feeling to him! Nothing to lose! YES or NO? At least i have tried. But i will loose my pride, where am i going to put my face the next time i see him... If i got rejected?! My ego... !!! I cant cross this line.

Questions without answers...!!

I have very bad mood swing today. A lot of unanswered questions floating in my mind.....
Who did he go out with?
Why cant i get some rest on Sunday?
Why must i be in the office on Sunday?
When is my rest day?
Why he didnt reply my message last night?
Did he go out with the "bitch" last night?
He told me he was tired, then why did he come home and go out again?
Did i bore him last night?
Why cant my parents just give me some freedom?
Why cant i have more friends?
Why cant i meet more guys? more eligible guys?
Am i that ugly?
Where is my prince charming?
Is he the one?
Why cant i stop thinking of him?
Will i ever have a chance to be with him?
Is there anyone out there, to tell me whats on his mind?
Am i going nuts?

Someone... please answer for me!!!!!!!!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Untitled

I cant think of a title for this post. My brain is stucked! I have been meeting up and hanging up with the same group of friends over the same reason. I have only one person in my mind over the weeks. The same person for the same reason have been haunting my life since 2nd of June. I am annoyed. I always hate this thing yet i always get into this trouble. I have a lot to say but i have problems putting it into words. Some things are just so difficult to explain and there is no specific explaination or so whatever.... I am lost of words somehow.

I am very confused and I am very lost! He is not the guy i wanted after all. But, something is attracting me. Something is pulling my heart closer to him. Something is making me to just cant stop thinking about him. His laughter, his smile, the way he talks, the way he looks at me, the way he makes me laugh... its all recorded and kept playing over and over again in my mind. I tried not to think about him. I tried not to sms him. But I failed. The small little thing that he did to me, will just make me smile. Yes! I am silly!

I was with him last night of course with another friend. He stood by the car door and waited for me to get down, he pulled a chair for me and adjusted it higher for me when we were in the pub, when we were leaving the pub, he waited for me, open the door for me, walk behind me cos they were drunkards around.... All the small little things that he did, really impressed me.... ok.. fine.. you might think that i am nuts! I am silly! I am dumbass! Let me tell you this... HE MADE MY DAY, AND HE SPOILT MY DAY!!!! He Cheered me Up and He Let me Down!!

Suddenly i just remember this song and it stucks in my head....
All THe small things,
True Cares, truth brings
I'll take one lift,
your Ride, Best Trips....

Always I know,
you'll be At my show,
Watching, waiting,
Commiserating...

Say it ain't so, i will not go,
turn the lights off,
carry me HOme......... (by Blink 182)

Whats your goal?

I went out coffee with the guy i adore last night... we were chatting and suddenly he popped a question to me...."Whats your goal in life?" "What do you want to achieve in this 2 years time?" I was stunt! I dunno what to answer and i just kept thinking... I felt like telling him " hope that you will get rich in this 2 years time then i will marry you!!! Hahahahah" but i didnt.... i told him i dunno what i want, and i have no objective in life... and i said "maybe to get someone with Heart, Cash and Look... to get married with...!!! "Hahaha!!! Thats quite true actually... and his answer was "You are too much! Nothing is Perfect in this world, you have to accept your fate, you cannot be so choosy!!!"
What he said was true... I am not a good looking girl.. I dont carry that kind of quality to deserve someone with Heart Cash and LOOK...!!! I am ugly fat, quite rude sometimes...!!!! hahahah..!!! well, it was a good question and i have been thinking for an answer since last night...!!! :)
His answer was, to have someone to accompany him to walk through the rest of his life... cos he is afraid of being alone for the rest of his life....!!! In my heart i was thinking... "Go work hard and earn more money.... then here i come to hold your hand and walk through with you.... cos i am afraid of being alone too.."
:)

PAPERS

I hate papers.. there are so troublesome and i have no way to escape from all these papers. Normally i just clip all of them with big Clips and put them aside, But somehow when i need to search for them.. i have whole lots of problems... so i decided to do filing today.... to file them accordingly and to refile some of them.. yet i still cant get them done in one day. All the papers consist of different kind of informations.... important or not still you just cant chuck them away.... cos you dunno when do you need them again. When the postman come tomorrow, i will have a stack of them to do filing again... neverending... !!! I am so sick of it!!!

I am going to get a clerk to do only filing... Filing and filing... but i just cant get this person...!!!!!!!!

Tears And Rain

How I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See the liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

How I wish I had screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,

Help me understand the years.

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

How I wish I would save my soul.

I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain.

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

G.U.Y

After all these years, I still cant understand whats on a guy's mind.

Sometimes they can be really nice to you, makes you feel like you are the luckiest person in this whole wide world, they can be so caring, and they can really touch your heart like you want them to be, they can read your mind and understand every bits of you, they notice the slightest movement you made where no one else could....

Sometimes they are totally the opposite, they left you hanging without letting you know whats the next, they can be so cruel, so cold, so inconsiderate, makes you feel like you are the dumbest person in this whole wide world, they dont notice you even you have just walked pass right infront of them, they see nothing in you, and they just walked away without giving you any reasons, any warnings, any informations, any hints.....

I hate it!! I hate the feeling of being hanging up like a dumbass! You cant tell anyone cos you feel so stupid. You feel so lousy and you feel so upset. You feel like walking right to his face and ask him whats going wrong. (well, it wont happen..) you check your handphone 10,000,000 times a day, waiting for his news, his sms, his miss calls or anything....just to find out that there is nothing...

You will start telling yourself that:
He is a fool...(not really lah...),
I am not going to do anything....( what if i just sms him...??...)
Stupid... he is ignoring me....( no lah, maybe he is very busy...),
HIM only what... Whats the big deal? .....( but, he is quite nice ...)
I am a LOOSER!!!.... (Yes! I am a LOOSER!!!)

Life!

Actually I have a lot to say.. but i dunno where to start.. I havent been updating my blog for so long already... cos i am lazy.. I dont have the patience to sit down and type.. even though i have a lot of things to say.. a lot of matters or stories, i need to spit out... but just dont have the mood or time....

I consider myself a lazy person... I dont like to sit in the office from 8 to 5 everyday doing just paper works.. I know i have a lot to do.. especially now when all the due dates are just around the corner.... I am giving myself excuses to postpone and delay my works....I hate myself sometimes for doing so... but i just cant help it... out of 30 days a month.. i think i only spend about 10 days doing serious paper works... if i really sit down and really complete my paper works... 30 days are not enough for me... i always tell myself i need a break.. actually is not that i need a break, in fact i deserved no break at all, i just giving myself excuses to escape from the facts!!!!!!! I am tired of doing things i dont like to do. I have no choice. I have to do this! Being the only daughter and the eldest, i cant runaway... Everyone is given a chioce of either you take it or leave it, as for me, i have no choice, I have to take all as there are there for me... i cant leave any.. this is my life.. i am born with it!!!

My cousins and my relatives and also my friends thought that i am very lucky, I am living in a wealthy family, i dont have to worry about money, i can have all i want, i dont have to work hard, i dont have to work for anything.... To tell you the truth, I get very angry everytime when i ge such comment... I am upset!!! Do you think it is lucky to do things u dont enjoy doing everyday? Do you think it is lucky to see ppl or deal wit ppl you dont like to see everyday? Do you think it is lucky wasting your life time doing things you are not interested at all? Do you think it is lucky to spend money your parents earn and sweat for you? Oh yeah! maybe you are asking me to SHUT UP now! Ppl dont understand the pressures i am having. The pressures that no one will understand except me, myself. i cant sleep at night.. worrying about a lot of things... Ppl say i think too much! Well, how can i not think? Sometimes i rather be a normal person. working like everyone is doing... enjoy a simple life, have simple things, having the dream everyone is sharing... but at least doing things we are enjoying.

Being in this situation, spending easy money, having good material life, staying big house in a few months time, driving good car, wearing expensive watches, dressing up branded clothing, using expensive handbags, eating in a fine dining restaurants, this kind of lifestyle makes you discriminate. makes you insecure... makes you look down on ppl... makes you ask for more and more and more... cos its too comfortable... till you forget whats your goal in life... that is very bad! I always tell myself, i must treat everyone the same, thats y i ended up having a bf who is a poor looser. I always want to treat ppl equally, especially my friends. I hate ppl who looks down on other ppl, unless that person has got some attitude problems... unless that person is meant to be looked down, (what a theory)... well, some ppl just make themselves to be looked down... then i cant help it..!!

I always ask myself, if ever there is a guy, who comes after me, who is not rich, living a simple life, but a hardworking, kind, caring and loving person, can i accept him? I have to give up my dream being a "tai-tai"... I have to give up all my "Rich-man-wife"dream... can i accept it? And, the answer is still under consideration. Isn't bad? Isn't unfair? I am very confused. Sometimes i tell myself, i want a guy with good heart and good look and good money. Thats not rational rite? Nothing is perfect in this world. so be realistic..!!

I dont know what i am really after in my life at this point of time. I am not young anymore. My parents already start worrying about my marriage. I am worrying about it too. I am not desperate. But i just wish i could get someone to walk through the rest of my life with me. To hold my hand and walk down the road with me. Is that too much? No rite? :P

Otak Jammed!

I was thinking where should i start my story. I was trying to recall what did i do for every celebrations start from Christmas 2006 till Chinese New year 2007. I cant think of anything. I cant remember how did i celebrate my Christmas even though it seems to be the "most happening" one. I called up my cousin and asked her what did i do for every occasions. She recalled me one by one. Otak jam incident only happen when you haev too many things to think and when you do not have enough beauty sleep!!

Haha!! Thinking of how i celebrated my christmas day, i wanted to burst out laughing....!!! LOL!! I was in KL with aunties, uncle and cousins. We went shopping at Cheras, then we had dinner at Cheras. We had chinese food and as usual, we ate till overflow...:P We were so lifeless and dunno where to go after the dinner. My aunt suddenly remember that she has a "close" friend who is home alone with her son. She will be very happy if we count down with her. So we "bungkus" her favourite food and called her. She was so excited and really welcomed us.

She is staying in a bungalow at Bangsar Hill. Her bungalow is so nice and well desinged. Swimming pool, Fish ponds, Home theatre, exercise room, dogs' room and etc... Very nice and big and is my dream house... We were kinda bored. The older ladies were busy catching up and gossipping. As for us the younger generation, guess where we ended up?

Hahaha!! We ended up in her Home Theatre watching PRINCESS DIARY II!!!! Hahaahaha!! This is how i celebrated my christmas day. Opps!!Actually it was Christmas Eve. At 00:00, we heard fire works here and there, we heard not see ok?

MEmorable rite? and yet i still cant remember till my cousin reminded me...

Cheers

Warm Up!

Hello everyone!!! I dont know if there is anyone reading my blog except my cousin. I didnt publish my blog so i dont expect anyone to read my blog... Haha! I hardly remember my username to login...:P I have read a lot of friend's blog and really admire them to have the time and the interest to create their blog nicely and make it interesting. I guess i am just too lazy.

Time flies, it is like 11 March 2007, the last time i update my blog was like somewhere December 2006. Things have changed in this 3 months times. My life has become more happening by getting to know 2 new friends. The beginning of 2007 seems to be a good start for me. I have been happier and more occupied. Feel more like my age now... ( hmmm, supposed to be more happening, more outing more cafe, more friends at the age of "tut tut"...rite?) well, i am supposed! I suddenly feel like i have a lot of things to tell, a lot of things to spit.... hmm... where should i start?