IF only I COuld...

I chose to post this blog in grey... cos i am feeling very grey... with no sunshine in my life... and its about to rain at anytime anywhere.... Life has been so miserable for me.... I have been so down down down... i am trying to think positively... to let him go... to let myself go and to move on with my cheerful life... but i couldnt.....

If only i could... i would choose not to meet you again...
If only i could... i would want to fast forward the time...
If only i could,, I would want to delete all memories i had with you...
If only i could... I wouldnt want to shed a tear for you....
If only i could... i would want to list out 10 things i hate about you....
But....I couldn't.....

Whats wrong with me? Cant you see that i am really into you? Can you just tell me whats the reason behind all these? Why do you have to bully me like that? What have i done wrong? It is the feeling that i have... you cant blame me? I wish i could stop the feeling... turn my head and walk away.... But i am such a looser, I cant do it..!!! I dunno why do i have such strong feelings for you... You have nothing to offer me... You are not educated at all.. You are not rich... you are just a hard labour who needs to work your ass off.... You think you are handsome? You have dark lips... messy hair... with no sense of dressings.... You smokes like a chimney... drink like Maniam!!! You cant afford even a Gucci bag for me..lets dont talk about LV.... But i dont care... I dont mind you being not educated cos you are keen in learning all the time.... i dont mind you working as a hard labour cos i know you are a hardworking person... I dont mind you having no sense of dressings... cos that could be change.... I dont mind you smoking like a chimney and drink like Maniam...cos i love doing that too.... I can afford Gucci or LV myself... i can let go of all these... what else do you expect me to do? WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?????!!!!!!!

I pray to God.... hoping that he will help me... Hoping that he will answer to my wish, to my prayer to my hope... But the GOD did not bother about me... HE let me suffer day and night... HE has been torturing me to get through this... I really dunno why and i really dunno what have i done wrong... I need an answer to my question.... I just couldnt understand why.....