Grey Sunday

I read through my blogs just now... and i realised that i have been posting all my sad story... Luckily not many ppl know about my blog.. if not ppl might be thinking i am such a grey person... with nothing good in life besides feeling sad all the while... I try to think of something happy to write... but cant think of anything.. cos nothing really happy happen in my life lately...

Have been busy with my house... shopping around with my mum and my aunt... looking for curtains, furnitures and etc... every discussioons with my family is about the house... hoping that my house will be ready soon... and i am looking forward for my brother to be back... We used to fight a lot but i am missing him now... we are brother and sister after all... he is my only brother... who else can i miss if not him....

i feel so depreciating and my life sucks.... Mio has been telling me that i have to appreciate what i have and not feeling down all the time... If compare with a lot of other ppl... I am so lucky... I have loving family, driving nice car, running my dad's business.... etc... Human beings never get enough, never satisfied.... This is the fact! I dont have anyone to share my happiness or my sadness with me... No one to comfort me when i am stressed up at work... No one to go out with me when i am lonely... No one to drink with me when i feel like doing so... I feel so lonely... I lie on my bed alone once i get home... feeling empty and tired... the emptiness is killing me.... I just need someone to share my life with me... to go through the thick and thin in my life... who is this person? when is he going to come in my life?

I am sick of "your time has not come....!" "you deserve someone better.." 'you must be patience.." I have been really patience... I am 28 this year already... How long do i have to wait? What have i done in my past to deserve all these?

IF only I COuld...

I chose to post this blog in grey... cos i am feeling very grey... with no sunshine in my life... and its about to rain at anytime anywhere.... Life has been so miserable for me.... I have been so down down down... i am trying to think positively... to let him go... to let myself go and to move on with my cheerful life... but i couldnt.....

If only i could... i would choose not to meet you again...
If only i could... i would want to fast forward the time...
If only i could,, I would want to delete all memories i had with you...
If only i could... I wouldnt want to shed a tear for you....
If only i could... i would want to list out 10 things i hate about you....
But....I couldn't.....

Whats wrong with me? Cant you see that i am really into you? Can you just tell me whats the reason behind all these? Why do you have to bully me like that? What have i done wrong? It is the feeling that i have... you cant blame me? I wish i could stop the feeling... turn my head and walk away.... But i am such a looser, I cant do it..!!! I dunno why do i have such strong feelings for you... You have nothing to offer me... You are not educated at all.. You are not rich... you are just a hard labour who needs to work your ass off.... You think you are handsome? You have dark lips... messy hair... with no sense of dressings.... You smokes like a chimney... drink like Maniam!!! You cant afford even a Gucci bag for me..lets dont talk about LV.... But i dont care... I dont mind you being not educated cos you are keen in learning all the time.... i dont mind you working as a hard labour cos i know you are a hardworking person... I dont mind you having no sense of dressings... cos that could be change.... I dont mind you smoking like a chimney and drink like Maniam...cos i love doing that too.... I can afford Gucci or LV myself... i can let go of all these... what else do you expect me to do? WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?????!!!!!!!

I pray to God.... hoping that he will help me... Hoping that he will answer to my wish, to my prayer to my hope... But the GOD did not bother about me... HE let me suffer day and night... HE has been torturing me to get through this... I really dunno why and i really dunno what have i done wrong... I need an answer to my question.... I just couldnt understand why.....

Big Girls Dont Cry~~

"Big Girls Don't Cry"

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

Just So you kNOW!!

"Just So You Know"

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let her win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

-A song by Jesse McCartney-

I really love this song because he sings my heart out... And thats exactly how im feeling right now. I am trying very hard to let him go. But i couldn't. I decided to tell him off. And till today i didn't get any reply from him. After living for 28 years, thats was my 1st time being so frank and so straight forward towards a guy. He is supposed to appreciate my effort that i have put in and my feelings for him. I didn't know it is a sin to like a person. THis have been torturing me and i have been struggling! Everyone have been telling me that he is not right for me...!!! Kah Seng told me that....i deserve someone better.... 100 times better than him.... I told him LOVE IS BLIND!!! My cousin told me that he is not rich, not educated and he is a drunkard!!!! He can never support me!!! He has a good heart, he is caring, hardworking, good looking and he is patience..... Thats enough for me!!! Now i hardly keep in touch with him.... I dunno what to say to him... it is so awkward to face him now...!!!