Actually I have a lot to say.. but i dunno where to start.. I havent been updating my blog for so long already... cos i am lazy.. I dont have the patience to sit down and type.. even though i have a lot of things to say.. a lot of matters or stories, i need to spit out... but just dont have the mood or time....
I consider myself a lazy person... I dont like to sit in the office from 8 to 5 everyday doing just paper works.. I know i have a lot to do.. especially now when all the due dates are just around the corner.... I am giving myself excuses to postpone and delay my works....I hate myself sometimes for doing so... but i just cant help it... out of 30 days a month.. i think i only spend about 10 days doing serious paper works... if i really sit down and really complete my paper works... 30 days are not enough for me... i always tell myself i need a break.. actually is not that i need a break, in fact i deserved no break at all, i just giving myself excuses to escape from the facts!!!!!!! I am tired of doing things i dont like to do. I have no choice. I have to do this! Being the only daughter and the eldest, i cant runaway... Everyone is given a chioce of either you take it or leave it, as for me, i have no choice, I have to take all as there are there for me... i cant leave any.. this is my life.. i am born with it!!!
My cousins and my relatives and also my friends thought that i am very lucky, I am living in a wealthy family, i dont have to worry about money, i can have all i want, i dont have to work hard, i dont have to work for anything.... To tell you the truth, I get very angry everytime when i ge such comment... I am upset!!! Do you think it is lucky to do things u dont enjoy doing everyday? Do you think it is lucky to see ppl or deal wit ppl you dont like to see everyday? Do you think it is lucky wasting your life time doing things you are not interested at all? Do you think it is lucky to spend money your parents earn and sweat for you? Oh yeah! maybe you are asking me to SHUT UP now! Ppl dont understand the pressures i am having. The pressures that no one will understand except me, myself. i cant sleep at night.. worrying about a lot of things... Ppl say i think too much! Well, how can i not think? Sometimes i rather be a normal person. working like everyone is doing... enjoy a simple life, have simple things, having the dream everyone is sharing... but at least doing things we are enjoying.
Being in this situation, spending easy money, having good material life, staying big house in a few months time, driving good car, wearing expensive watches, dressing up branded clothing, using expensive handbags, eating in a fine dining restaurants, this kind of lifestyle makes you discriminate. makes you insecure... makes you look down on ppl... makes you ask for more and more and more... cos its too comfortable... till you forget whats your goal in life... that is very bad! I always tell myself, i must treat everyone the same, thats y i ended up having a bf who is a poor looser. I always want to treat ppl equally, especially my friends. I hate ppl who looks down on other ppl, unless that person has got some attitude problems... unless that person is meant to be looked down, (what a theory)... well, some ppl just make themselves to be looked down... then i cant help it..!!
I always ask myself, if ever there is a guy, who comes after me, who is not rich, living a simple life, but a hardworking, kind, caring and loving person, can i accept him? I have to give up my dream being a "tai-tai"... I have to give up all my "Rich-man-wife"dream... can i accept it? And, the answer is still under consideration. Isn't bad? Isn't unfair? I am very confused. Sometimes i tell myself, i want a guy with good heart and good look and good money. Thats not rational rite? Nothing is perfect in this world. so be realistic..!!
I dont know what i am really after in my life at this point of time. I am not young anymore. My parents already start worrying about my marriage. I am worrying about it too. I am not desperate. But i just wish i could get someone to walk through the rest of my life with me. To hold my hand and walk down the road with me. Is that too much? No rite? :P
