Grey Sunday

I read through my blogs just now... and i realised that i have been posting all my sad story... Luckily not many ppl know about my blog.. if not ppl might be thinking i am such a grey person... with nothing good in life besides feeling sad all the while... I try to think of something happy to write... but cant think of anything.. cos nothing really happy happen in my life lately...

Have been busy with my house... shopping around with my mum and my aunt... looking for curtains, furnitures and etc... every discussioons with my family is about the house... hoping that my house will be ready soon... and i am looking forward for my brother to be back... We used to fight a lot but i am missing him now... we are brother and sister after all... he is my only brother... who else can i miss if not him....

i feel so depreciating and my life sucks.... Mio has been telling me that i have to appreciate what i have and not feeling down all the time... If compare with a lot of other ppl... I am so lucky... I have loving family, driving nice car, running my dad's business.... etc... Human beings never get enough, never satisfied.... This is the fact! I dont have anyone to share my happiness or my sadness with me... No one to comfort me when i am stressed up at work... No one to go out with me when i am lonely... No one to drink with me when i feel like doing so... I feel so lonely... I lie on my bed alone once i get home... feeling empty and tired... the emptiness is killing me.... I just need someone to share my life with me... to go through the thick and thin in my life... who is this person? when is he going to come in my life?

I am sick of "your time has not come....!" "you deserve someone better.." 'you must be patience.." I have been really patience... I am 28 this year already... How long do i have to wait? What have i done in my past to deserve all these?

IF only I COuld...

I chose to post this blog in grey... cos i am feeling very grey... with no sunshine in my life... and its about to rain at anytime anywhere.... Life has been so miserable for me.... I have been so down down down... i am trying to think positively... to let him go... to let myself go and to move on with my cheerful life... but i couldnt.....

If only i could... i would choose not to meet you again...
If only i could... i would want to fast forward the time...
If only i could,, I would want to delete all memories i had with you...
If only i could... I wouldnt want to shed a tear for you....
If only i could... i would want to list out 10 things i hate about you....
But....I couldn't.....

Whats wrong with me? Cant you see that i am really into you? Can you just tell me whats the reason behind all these? Why do you have to bully me like that? What have i done wrong? It is the feeling that i have... you cant blame me? I wish i could stop the feeling... turn my head and walk away.... But i am such a looser, I cant do it..!!! I dunno why do i have such strong feelings for you... You have nothing to offer me... You are not educated at all.. You are not rich... you are just a hard labour who needs to work your ass off.... You think you are handsome? You have dark lips... messy hair... with no sense of dressings.... You smokes like a chimney... drink like Maniam!!! You cant afford even a Gucci bag for me..lets dont talk about LV.... But i dont care... I dont mind you being not educated cos you are keen in learning all the time.... i dont mind you working as a hard labour cos i know you are a hardworking person... I dont mind you having no sense of dressings... cos that could be change.... I dont mind you smoking like a chimney and drink like Maniam...cos i love doing that too.... I can afford Gucci or LV myself... i can let go of all these... what else do you expect me to do? WHAT ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?????!!!!!!!

I pray to God.... hoping that he will help me... Hoping that he will answer to my wish, to my prayer to my hope... But the GOD did not bother about me... HE let me suffer day and night... HE has been torturing me to get through this... I really dunno why and i really dunno what have i done wrong... I need an answer to my question.... I just couldnt understand why.....