Materialistic World~

I am so tired with this. Everyone been telling me that...he is not the right one for me.... Actually i do not know what is right for me? I am really really very tired with this. With his on and off treatments and with all these matters with him.... I wish i could just forget about the whole thing and start my life all over again. I need to own what i once owned... The cheerful me.... the happy go lucky me... the one who take things easy and the one who is strong enough to handle problems myself. I lost myself lately. I lost my pride, my confidence, my believes and my dignity.

I just cant believe how materialistic this world has become. If you are not educated or you are not born in a rich family or you are not driving a big luxury car to show off how much you have or you are not wearing white collars during working hours, no one is going to look up at you, even though you have the kindest heart on earth. Inner beauty is not that important anymore these days. You will always be at the loosing end if you are neither of the above mentioned. This is unfair is it? But you have no choice cos the world has changed. You have a kind heart, not bad looking, working your ass off everyday, earning with your sweat and blood, caring, tender, loving, the most patience ppl on earth, BUT, if you are not from a rich family nor educated nor rich.... you are loosing.... ppl will have bad impression of you... thinking that you are some looser living with nothing better to do.

I hate this world more and more each day. Everyone trying so hard, working so hard just to earn a living. Why must we discriminate ppl like that? We are all human beings, the only difference is we have different lucks. We have different lucks in every expects of our lives. Some rich but broken family; Some have a wonderful family but not rich; Some rich with a happy family but bad at works; Some rich, happy family, good career but fall sick at the age of 30; some poor, happy family, good health and good career; We are all the same. God is fair, but the society is not fair. God doesn't give you all the best things. He gives what you need the most. So why do we have to look down on ppl? Why cant we just respect ourselves to respect other ppl? Why must we be so selfish sometimes? Why cant we give ppl a chance to have better luck? Why must we keep a distance from ppl who is less lucky than we do? How do you know he is less lucky than you do? Just because he is not rich? so he is less fortunate than you do?

I am kinda disappointed with my family members, with my closed friends around me... Or is it that i am blind... i cant see anything clearly now at the moment? I cant think straight? I am not rational? What is not blind? How should i think to consider it is straight? How to be rational? Discriminate ppl, keep a distance from those who is poorer than you, consider not blind? consider thinking straight? consider rational?

Rich cannot go with the poor? Well Known cannot go with those low profiles? Those driving mercedes cannot go with those driving kancil??? HELLOOO!!!!!! We are MALAYSIA!!! We are not China, We are not INDIA!!!!

Everyone tell me that i have to keep my family reputations so i shouldn't go out with him! my bro said he cant fit in the family...!!! So i should look for a man with mountain height cash money, luxury house and cars, and it is ok for him to have a few wives rite? Cos my family reputations is maintained and can fit in the family.... having a few wives doesnt torture the family reputation, its ok to torture only me rite? Thats what you all want? As long as he is high profile, it doesn't matter whats inside him.

I am sick with this!! I dont feel like having a man in my life anymore. Cos, it is so difficult, so torturing, and so tiring. Those we have feelings, cant be together. Those who i have no feelings for, I have to layan. This is sickening!! I am giving up!!!

Be Good~

Something happened this afternoon, some people just happen to be so selfish. When shit happened, they just think of ways to push the blames and safe their ass. They never even think how much these people helped him before when he got into big shits. They think they are the smartest ass on earth and everyone else is stupid!!! He is 75 this year already and still never learnt his lesson. If not because he is an old man, and i spare him some respects, I would have cursed him to death!!! Why must a person be so cunning? Why can't they be more innocence and the God might give them a better living? Look at him.... 75 years old... 1st wife passed away and all the children never take care of him. He remarried and moved all the way from Klang to this place. He does not own a house. He is still renting a house at the age of 75. He is not that poor after all. I kinda pity him somehow. I pity him because he still never learn about life. He still try to harm people at that old age. God is fair. If he is a rich man, he might be harming a lot of innocent people on earth. Therefore he does not deserve to be rich. He is still working like a cow at that old age.

I always believe, we get what we give, what goes around comes around. We have to be good to people around us. The God will serve those bad people right! We do not have to take revenge. We do not have to harm or hurt our enemies cos the God sees everything. My dad always tell me that we have to live our life with principles. Be humble, be sincere, be good, be patience and must treat everyone with respects. I do not know how many percents of good qualities i have in me. We cant have them all cos no one is perfect in this whole wide world. But at least we have done our best.

I realized that i have been wasting a lot of my precious time thinking too much. I am going to have a change in my life. I am going to do something to pamper myself. I am going to change my lifestyle. Maybe do some exercise, eat more healthy food, get better sleep, and think less. You cant have everything you want in life. So i have to appreciate what i have. Something is just not meant to be yours. I have to open up my mind and think positively.

Bleeding Love~

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding

Weird 2

Y are you giving me that kind of look?
When you look at me, what are you thinking actually?
Why cant you just walk straight to me and tell me dont drink too much instead of telling me through sms?
Why cant you tell me that i looked good right on my face instead of telling me through sms again?
Why are you so afraid to talk to me?
Why are you not talking to me when i stand right in front of you?
why must you be so weird?
We are friends.... I talked to all the guy friends... I took pictures with all of them... Its ok for you to fucking talk to me right on my face....
Why must you be so weird? why?
You are so afraid to talk to me.... you sms me even though i am just right opposite you... Whats fucking wrong with you?
I am getting tired with all these....
I was not drunk at all, I was just tipsy, I can notice you sitting there watching me.... I am not being sensitive or PERASAN....cos my friend told me tat you are watching me.... i can sense it...
So what do you really want from me? Are you psycho or something?
You asked me to drink with you, I was waiting, but you ended up smoking like a chimney outside...
Why cant we stay like before... with no feelings involve...just purely friends and friends... ?
I wish i could turn back time....
Do you know that every little thing that you did to me, is gonna haunt me for the next few months of my life?
Is it that guys are like that?
All the guys are the same?
All the same weird guys in this world?
If not, why are you so exceptional?

Dehydration

I have been suffering with dehydration ever since Chinese New YEar.... from head to toe... inside out...
1st---My hair... have been applying with too much chemical... and i have been washing my hair like 2 times a day cos if i do not wash my hair i dunno how to style it or make it straight, so everytime if i have a function to attend i need to wash my hair... say if i have 2 functions to attend in a day... i need to wash twice.... so my hair is so dry and frizzy.... Whatever leave-in-condition or treatment cream do not help!!

2nd--- My facial.... have been applying with too much make up...too much nicotine...too much alcohol.... too much caffeine.... exposure to sunlight.... the weather changes that i have went through...from snowing winter to windy hot weather in Malaysia.... my face is dehydrating... really really need to take care of it from now on....

3rd--- My skin... same as above... very very dehydrating.... and getting itchy once a while....

4th--- My nails... i have been applying and re-applying my nails with different colors 3 to 4 times a week... my nails are cracking and my cuticles are peeling... I am going to remove all tonight... cut my nails short and give it a break.... I am gonna attend another wedding dinner with my short and neat nails....

5th--- My body system.... with too much alcohol intake and less fluid intake... I can feel myself getting sick.... and this is the main reason why my whole body is dehydrating...




6th--- My heart.... I have no more tears to cry out... I was so drunk last night and was feeling really sad once i got home... I cant cry... so much wanted to cry out loud... but i couldnt.... I am in a maze.... he kept me in a maze.... i cant find my way out and no one is helping me.... I am getting worry and getting scared.... I am afraid i will fall in love with this maze and refuse to get out from here.... there are some signs given around this maze, but there are not clear... my senses tell me turn to my right... but the sign showing to the left... i am confused sometimes... I do not know if i should follow my senses or the sign showing.... At certain point of time....there is no sign at all... so i am walking with my senses.... When i was about to get out... i see the sign.... once again i lost my way.... i am suffocate inside here.... I so much wanted to get out yet I am staying... I am hoping that miracles will happen in this maze...

WEIRD

Sometimes you can just be so weird....
I really dunno whats on your mind....
Why do you give me so many miss calls..... and you deny when i ask...
Why are you so quiet last night?
Why do you look at me only when i turn away.....
Why are you just keeping quiet and smile when our friends make fun of us.....
why do you turn away when our eyes meet?
Why do you question me so many times when i didn't answer your message....
Are you avoiding me or what?.....
i tot you are supposed to fetch me tonight... you promised me.... y do you change your mind?
If you don't care, y do you listen to my conversation with friends.... and question me on sms later...
y are you so secretive?
If you don't care, y do you still backing me when our friends tease me?
If you don't care, y do you help me when i got challenged from our friends?
Do you know that you are so weird?
I tot you and HER got nothing... but why do you look so awkward when you meet her?
Can you tell me whats on your mind? Please.....

Sometimes you seem so caring and nice.... feel so warm when i am around you...
Sometimes you are just so cold.... feel scary and awkward when i am with you....

I hope we wont get drunk tonight...

Tattoo

"Tattoo"

Oh, oh, oh

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

The 1st Wedding of 2008

Tomorrow will be my friend's wedding. My best best friend, my "Green Plum Bamboo Horse". We known each other when we were at the age of 2. I gave him my very very 1st kiss when i was at the age of 2. (we have a picture to proof) Hahah! Now, he is getting married.

We were from the same kindergarten then we went to the same primary school. Everyone saying that we were couples and always tease us saying that we are boyfriend and girlfriend when were in primary school. We acted like one but we were not. We went to the different secondary school. We hardly keep in touch cos he was studying in KL. We only meet each other like once in a year. But we still have a lot to talk. Even though we are apart, every time when i have problems, he is the 1st person i think of. When i was in Australia, we used to write to each other like once every few months. Haha! When i came back for holiday, we will meet up. We are so far yet so close. Nothing tear us apart. Once we meet up, we had so much to talk. Never run out of topics. Thats our friendship.

We did a lot of stupid things together. When he comes back from Singapore, he will definitely look for me. We will buy 2 bottles of beer from 7 Eleven, then we will drive around drinking and chatting at the same time. We will start chatting and he has always been my loyal listener. He always lend me a shoulder to cry on through MSN, through phone or face to face. We drink together, sing together, laugh together, cry together and complain together. He always sponsor me a ticket from Singapore back to Melaka. Hahaha! We sometimes like to look for a isolated bus stop or stop by the roadside to chat and drink. I will tell him all my problems and trust me, he always provide me the most truthful advise. Sometimes it hurts cos he is being too straight forward. Hahaha! But i know he is being too nice. I can never encounter another friend like him in my life.

I know i will never loose him as a friend. We are friends for life. We are far apart but we are always care for each other as a good good buddy. Now that he is getting married. I am going to be his Brother.

Congratulations Bro!!
Happy Wedding!

Cheerss!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

(My Primary School Classmates 1979)

This is a group of my primary school classmates. We have 43 students in a class. To date, we are still keep in touch with each other. Not all of us, but at least about half of us still keeping in touch with each other. We basically into 2 groups, one group which is more educated... working in the office not very high post but enough to earn a living. Another group is not so educated but working very hard, so they are basically earning more than those with higher educational level. Most of them are sub-contractors.

I can mix with both group of friends. I dont discriminate any of them cos i really treasure the friendship between us. A lot of ppl lost contact with their primary school mates and hoping to get in touch again. So, i have the opportunity to be with them, to still keep in touch with them, regardless of who they are... I feel very lucky. I don't mind going out coffee and catching up with any of them. We are purely just friends. Everyone brought up in a different environment therefore we are all different. Human beings are unique.

Some of my friends look very Ah Beng. They have tattoo here and there, they smoke, they drink. They didn't finish their secondary school but they are earning more than a graduate now. When you look at them, you will think that they are bad and so gangster ism, you wont want to make friends with them. But, when you get to know them, they are totally the opposite from what the 1st impression they gave you. They have a kind heart, they are hard working, they are humble and they are much more polite then you have expected. They are loyal to you. The only bad thing about them is they look Ah BEng.... :P They have been through a lot of hardship cos they have to work their ass off as they are not educated. They work really hard to earn money. When they get the money they never forget about their family and their hometown. They still come back here to this small village to meet up with other friends and to catch up the GOOD OLD DAYS!!!! I feel very easy and relax talking to them cos i can just be myself. I dont have to think what to say to make myself seems higher cos i am always higher in their eyes. We can talk about anything and everything. I don have to talk about work. I dont have to think what to tell and what not to tell. I just go with the flows and say whatever topics that comes up!

The educated group..... known as "Got Study" group... not a big group of us..... only about 11 of us who "Got Study" and still keeping in touch. We hang out once in a while when 80% of us are back in hometown. We talked about Computer, Gym ,Yoga, Gathering and Mah Jong. When we meet up we go coffee.... Only 3 girls in the group, and this 3 girls tend to compare with each other and see who is doing better. I get very stressed up going out with them. Have to listen to them bragging about what they think is superb..... which i dont think so at all. I cant be myself I have to pretend bit here and there to make myself seems like I am better than them. This is call Kiasu!! I am Kiasu.!!!! But no matter what, i really treasure their friendship.. they farewell for me when i was leaving to Australia for my study. They wrote to me when they meet up. Each of them will write a paragraph then they will post a 3 pages letter to me when i was in Australia. I don't know where else can i find this kinda friends. We are friends for life..!!!!

Cheersss!!!! Friendship Forever!!

Happy New Year 2008

( Christine, Sherlin, Me, Kaye, Brother, Daniel, Shin, Marianne)

Happy New Year 2008! Its now a new year. We celebrated the new year together with the house warming. We had a big big party with a lot of guests invited, a lot of presents received, and a lot of food served. The whole day we were busy cleaning the house and getting things ready.

Finally i am in the new house now. After all the problems and hassles that we have been through, we are here staying in the new house. Everyone is happy staying here especially my dad and my mum. All the efforts that we have put into this house is nothing compare to the happiness and satisfaction that we are feeling now.




The outlook of my new house.